"La Belle Dame Sans Merci"


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October 27, 2005 (Until further notice)

Going subjective...
 
10:28 pm

October 27, 2005 (Going under)
 

50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented...Daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again...

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I'm dying again

So go on and scream
Scream at me
I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe
I can't keep going under
6:17 pm

October 27, 2005 (Word association)
 
I have issues with...
society
discipline
walls
family
domination
Take Word Association Test
 
RESULTS

Negative Neutral Positive
 work
 society
 discipline
 walls
 family
 domination
 travel
 mother
 honesty
 health
 fame
 submission
 excess
 children
 age
 religion
 women
 men
 father
 nature
 love
 patience
 sex
 intelligence
 innocence
 
 
Word Response Time (secs)
society
discipline
walls
family
domination
travel
nature
work
love
mother
honesty
health
fame
submission
excess
children
age
religion
patience
intelligence
sex
women
innocence
men
father
6.95
3.75
3.50
2.72
2.30
2.05
2.03
2.02
1.92
1.89
1.83
1.75
1.72
1.67
1.53
1.50
1.47
1.42
1.42
1.25
1.25
1.14
1.09
1.08
0.83
1:50 pm

October 26, 2005 (Haunted)
 

Long lost words whisper slowly to me
Still can't find what keeps me here
When all this time I've been so hollow
inside.
 
(I know you're still there)

Watching me
Wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Fearing you
Loathing you
I won't let you pull me down

Hunting you I can smell you - alive
Your heart pounding in my head

Watching me
Wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Saving me
Raping me
Watching me

Watching me
Wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Fearing you
loving you
I won't let you pull me down
-- Evanescence
 
8:41 pm

October 22, 2005 (For whom the bell tolls)

I had just got back from the tanning salon today when J asked me to take a look at something outside. I walked to the door and there in front of me was a mouse floating in a bucket that we use to water the plants. I think it probably fell from the shelf into the bucket and could not get out last night. I can't believe how much it affected me. I was actually crying. Ok, I admit I have a special connection to mice. I use them to connect to a Shawnee medicine woman focus of mine, and I immediately felt it was a communication from her, but of what I am not sure. Could be she has disengaged in her time frame and has let me know. I have been communicating with her for about 20 years now. I have added this to my list of questions for my upcoming session.

So anyway, I took pictures of it and J playfully said that I was being morbid. Hmm, maybe I am, but I wanted to have a picture of it for some reason.  I guess I probably should not post them here though, but I still will. I can just make a separate page and link to it. That way if anyone does not want to see them they do not have to.
 
Warning: do not click this link if you do not want to see a disengaged mouse.
5:12 pm

October 19, 2005 (I did it)
 
After much procrastination, I finally ordered another hard drive, and today I will install it. I know the reason I waited so long is that I don't really like having to go inside my computer because it is under my desk and it is a pain with all the cables and wires to pull it out. The cable from my DVD drive to my sound card has been loose for months and I have been putting that off too, but I can take care of that today while I am in there. :) I am actually embarrassed to admit I was down to 200 mb of free space on my current drive. hahahah Looks like I need to get my addiction to downloading stuff under control. Maybe I will start a new group, DA (downloaders anonymous). :p
 
Hmmm, now that I think of it I should order more memory today and then install it at the same time.
1:40 pm

October 17, 2005 (Love Cats)
 
We move like cagey tigers
Like cagey tigers
We couldn't get closer than this
The way we talk
The way we walk
The way we stalk
The way we kiss

We slip through the streets
While everyone sleeps
Getting bigger and brighter
Wider and lighter
Bigger and brighter
Wider and lighter

Into the sea
You and me
All these years and no one heard
I'll show you in spring
It's a treacherous thing
We missed you hissed the lovecats
We missed you hissed the lovecats

We're so wonderfully wonderfully wonderfully
Wonderfully pretty
Oh you know that I'd do anything for you
We should have each other to tea huh?
We should have each other with cream
Then curl up by the fire
And sleep for awhile
It's the grooviest thing
It's the perfect dream

-- Tricky

12:44 pm

October 11, 2005 (Dream)
 
As I was falling asleep last night (actually early this morning) I got a vision of a multicolored dragon staring into my eyes. Then the dragon turned into a huge eagle and flew away. As I lay there in an in between state. I saw a large silver metallic dragon rise from the ground, and then I saw a large iridescent silvery winged horse. They were massive in size, and so beautiful. I do not remember falling asleep, but the rest of the night I spent flying on the back of a dragon visiting different places.
 
Faeries' Oracle card for today:
 
The Bright Mother
Creativity. Nurturing. Productivity. Intimacy. Sheltering.
 
When the Bright Mother is present in a reading, she speaks of a time of fertility, creativity, and nurturing, either of ourselves or of others. She might indicate marriage or the birth of a child or a deepening of any kind of a relationship. She also speaks of giving ones all to life, not holding back. She is like a cornucopia, pouring forth abundance. This may be a time to put the needs of others first, then take care of yourself later. Patience may be needed for the process being discussed. Consider what you have. Acknowledge the people and things in your life--good, bad, and indifferent. This consideration is not to judge, approve, or reject, but merely to recognize what is present in your life. These are your present fulfillments, what you have created for yourself, drawing upon the power of Unity and the Singers (or not, as the case may be). Once you have looked clearly at what is present in your life, you may want to ask yourself what you want to change.
 
11:44 am

October 8, 2005 (Dream)
 
I dreamt that I was in a bar with "O", and we were talking with a lot of different people. I remember speaking with a woman, and all of a sudden realizing I was connecting to the other focuses of every person around me. I stopped her in mid-sentence to tell her, and she looked a bit confused as to what that could mean. I did not care because I was so awed by the experience. I was seeing and feeling people from multiple timeframes all at once.
 
My dad and Gene (both are dead now) were in the dream too. Gene asked me to order him two shots of "bucca", (which was his nickname)a beer, and the purple stuff (which is chambord - my sister's usual choice). I forget what my dad was doing, but definitely remember he was there. I went to order the drinks, and that is when I saw that "M" was the bartender, but his hair was a little longer. I can't remember anything else at the moment.
 
 
3:04 pm

October 5, 2005 (It's ok, love)
 
I'm here...
 
Interesting day I had. I have been on a mini-rollercoaster of feelings, and now I feel like I am alternating between feeling numb, and empty. Like I am detoxing or something. I don't think I like it. Hmmm, let me think, maybe 2 days of this  max, unless I choose differently now, but I forget how.
 
As I wrote this I discovered a colony of large ants invading my house. Eek! I have never seen anything like this before. I realize the past few days I have noticed a stray ant here and there in the house, but this is crazy. Now I have to create them disappearing fast. What is the message?
 
Ants, what do they represent???

"Ant brings us patience.  Those with Ant medicine have the knowledge that all of their desires will be filled in time.  Ant medicine provides us with the that the Universe will provide all of our needs."

"The ant teaches you how to become the architect of your life. The greatest success comes with persistence.
The ant shows you how to work with others.

Ask yourself if you are making things harder than they need to be. Are you being patient with your own and others' efforts? Using discipline, you can lay a foundation for success.

The ant is the promise of success through effort."

 

1:49 am

October 2, 2005 (Dream)
 

I dreamt I was wandering around a large mall/convention center. I was going through different stores trying to find something, but I do not remember what exactly I was looking for. I went into an office where I saw the same man with dark curly hair and glasses, from my last posted dream, sitting at a desk. This time he did not ignore me though, and asked if he could help me. I told him I was there to look at evening gowns. He stood up and took me through a door into a room with really beautiful gowns. They all were form fitting and had either a slit up the side or the back. I started trying them on for him, and he would tell me which ones he liked best. I ended up choosing a red one, but I did not take it with me. Then I was wandering around the mall again looking for something, and it was like the dream was repeating itself. At another point in the dream I was in an intimate situation with someone I had met at the convention center hotel area.

10:08 pm

La Belle Dame with Knight


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