June 30, 2005 (Be still my heart)
June 29, 2005 (Hmmm)
My internet cable connection died yesterday, and so did the box. I called the cable company and they did all the testing they could do then agreed that box was dead. All the front lights were out and they did not see me online. They said they would send someone with a new box to swap this one out. Anyway a few hours later I find that I am connected to the internet again. I call the cable company back today and they say they are still sending someone out since I am not registering as being online. The lights are all out still and the box is "dead" yet I continue to create my connections. They are also giving me a $20 credit for any inconvenience. VERY cool! :)
June 27,2005 (Dream)
I dreamt I was at a mall shopping for toys. I picked up a game called "musique parasite". The box had a picture of a child and a man dressed in a black suit. He was wearing a hat like a 1950s detective, and standing behind her. It looked almost like a mystery novel cover. I also was looking at little toy alligators and some chocolate alligators. All the packages appeared to be open already and a bit damaged. In fact I could not find anything that did not look damaged or open. I remembered much more of this dream as I was waking up, but the phone rang so I ended up forgetting.
June 25, 2005
June 25, 2005 (Dream)
June 24, 2005 (Waiting for the sun) 4:45 am
June 22, 2005 (Dream)
June 21, 2005 (Dreams)
Every possible way
Though my dreams, it's never quite as it seems
Never quite as it seems
I know I felt like this before
But now I'm feeling it even more
Because it came from you
Then I open up and see
The person fumbling here is me
A different way to be
I want more, impossible to ignore
Impossible to ignore
They'll come true, impossible not to do
Impossible not to do
Now I tell you openly
You have my heart so don't hurt me
For what I couldn't find
Talk to me amazing mind
So understanding and so kind
You're everything to me
Oh my life is changing everyday
Every possible way
Though my dreams, it's never quite as it seems
'cause you're a dream to me
Dream to me"
June 20, 2005 (A poem)
Longing
Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For then the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.
Come, as thou cam'st a thousand times,
A messenger from radiant climes,
And smile on thy new world, and be
As kind to others as to me!
Or, as thou never cam'st in sooth,
Come now, and let me dream it truth;
And part my hair, and kiss my brow,
And say: My love! why sufferest thou?
Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For then the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.
Matthew Arnold
June 19, 2005 (Behind Those Eyes)
Zen says: Think of all the great words and great teachings as your deadly enemy. Avoid them, because you have to find your own source. You have not to be a follower, an imitator. You have to be an original individual; you have to find your innermost core on your own, with no guide, no guiding scriptures. It is a dark night, but with the intense fire of inquiry you are bound to come to the sunrise.
Everybody who has burned with intense inquiry has found the sunrise. Others only believe. Those who believe are not religious, they are simply avoiding the great adventure of religion by believing.
Card meaning:
The figure in this card has taken on the shape of an arrow, moving with the single-pointed focus of one who knows precisely where he is going. He is moving so fast that he has become almost pure energy. But his intensity should not be mistaken for the manic energy that makes people drive their cars at top speed to get from point A to point B. That kind of intensity belongs to the horizontal world of space and time. The intensity represented by the Knight of Fire belongs to the vertical world of the present moment - a recognition that now is the only moment there is, and here is the only space.
When you act with the intensity of the Knight of Fire it is likely to create ripples in the waters around you. Some will feel uplifted and refreshed by your presence, others may feel threatened or annoyed. But the opinions of others matter little; nothing can hold you back right now.
June 16, 2005
Sister
Overwhelming feelings
A thousand miles away
From your ocean home
Part of me is near
Thoughts of what we were invade
The miles that stand between
We can't separate
Your all I hoped you'd become
Sister I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister I miss you
Fleeting visits pass
Still they satisfy
Reminders of the next
Overshadow goodbye
Our flames burn as one
Sister I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister I miss you
All I am begins with you
Thoughts of hope understood
Half of me breathes in you
Thoughts of love remain true
Here we are again saying goodbye
Still we'll fall asleep underneath the same sky
You're all I knew you'd become
Sister I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister I miss you
Entwined, you and I
Our souls speak from across the miles
Intertwined, you and I
Our blood flows from the same inside
Half of me, breathes in you
Thoughts of love remain true
I see you, I feel you
When I close my eyes
I see you walking there...
I see you dancing in my mind
June 15, 2005 (Dream)
I dreamt that my sister and I were in Sweden. When we got there I called "P". I told him we would be there for a few days, and asked if he could show us around. He said that he would and agreed to meet us. We all met at a train station, and he said he wanted to take us to a place called "Timorn" (I do not think this is an actual place except in my dream). He said that there was something there he wanted to show us. On the train trip there I sat next to "P" and my sister sat across from us. I looked out the window at the countryside and it was beautiful. "P" reached over and took my hand. He held it the rest of the trip there.
When we got there he said, we would have to go by car the rest of the way. I asked him if he would help us get a hotel first, but he said it was ok that we could stay with him instead. The next thing I remember was being at "P's" apartment. He told my sister and I we could have his room, and he would take the couch. I tried to tell him it was ok that she and I could take the couch because we did not want to put him out of his room. He insisted that as guests that we take the room. My sister went to bed, and I sat talking with "P" for a while. He reached over and kissed me then he pulled back and looked confused. He said he should not have done that, but I told him it was ok so he kissed me again. It was very warm and gentle. We hugged each other a long time too. He said everything was ok now. I started to cry. It felt like a healing experience.
Then the scene changed and I am back at my house. My mom is with me and we are preparing the deck around the pool to be cleaned. My mom was taking all the plants and lining them up against the house. I tried to tell her that the men who were going to clean it would do that but she wanted to move them herself. She told me to put everything else around the pool into the pool. I looked at her like I was not sure what she wanted, but then I put everything in the pool including the chairs. I was waiting for a visitor. I knew that they would be coming soon. I wanted the pool to be ready. I hoped we would be able to take everything out before they came.
Now the really weird part...I am in my childhood bedroom talking with someone. I am not sure exactly what happened, but someone else was trying to get into my bedroom to take something I had. This was something of high value, not just to me, but to many people. I was able to keep the first person that came to the door from getting it, but they threatened that they would send someone else to come get it. I was then told I would have to face a Ninja warrior. I walked out of my room, and there stood the Ninja, tall, all dressed in black. I was not sure what I was supposed to do, but I think there were 3 women there that were going to help me. That part was really odd, and I felt confused about what I was supposed to be doing. I vaguely remember my aunt and uncle being there.
June 12, 2005 (If I leave All For Thee)
Sonnets from the Portuguese XXXV:
If I leave All For Thee
If I leave all for thee, wilt thou exchange
And be all to me? Shall I never miss
Home-talk and blessing and the common kiss
That comes to each in turn, nor count it strange,
When I look up, to drop on a new range
Of walls and floors ... another home than this?
Nay, wilt thou fill that place by me which is
Filled by dead eyes too tender to know change?
That's hardest. If to conquer love, has tried,
To conquer grief, tries more ... as all things prove;
For grief indeed is love and grief beside.
Alas, I have grieved so I am hard to love.
Yet love me--wilt thou? Open thine heart wide,
And fold within, the wet wings of thy dove.
--Elizabeth Barrett Browning
June 10,2005 (Personal days)
Personal Day-by-Day Forecast for June 2005 created by Me for Me. :p
June is a 7 Personal Month in a 1 Personal Year and offers time and opportunity for contemplation and insight.
Career and romance do not require as much attention as your own inner need to understand your motivations and desires. Don't make the mistake of feeling guilty for not carrying your load, or for not working hard enough. This is a month to set aside time for yourself.
Look inside, get a better idea of what you want out of life, and don't be afraid to confront yourself. This is a spiritual time and a wonderful opportunity to gain insight into your true motivations and desires.
Your career should not require much attention; just keep up your sails and let the wind take care of the rest.
Financially, this is a time to be conservative. Let friends coast on their own. This is a month to devote to the inner you.
June 1) Sometimes financial reward, sometimes loss. Justice from above (as you sow ...). Generosity. Not a good day for gambling. Health improves Exercise. Meeting with old friends. Reminiscing. Feelings of loyalty.
June 2) Recent trouble in relationship diffused. Tact and wisdom. Intelligence and depth. Humanitarian. Good day for learning. Shifting of priorities. Don't commit to long-term plans.
June 3) Progress. Other people's support. Focus on money matters. Self-confidence. Also; hard-headed, stubborn. Domestic squabbles. Commitment broken.
June 4) Intuition. Revelations. Dreams with messages. Sensitive to animals. Spiritual needs strong. Longing for knowledge. Insecurity. Keep your feet on the ground.
June 5) Inspired and optimistic. Self-expression. Communication. Convincing and creative. Important letter or phone call.
June 6) Hard work. Frustrating. Details. Routine. Manage and organize. Tie up lose ends. Opportunity. Long-term endeavors are favored. Avoid confrontations.
June 7) Unexpected events. Monkey wrenches. Be flexible. Trust your intuition. Be decisive. Travel favored. Be social. You meet someone interesting.
June 8) Increased responsibility. Financial opportunity. Romance is strong. Domestic affairs. A friend or family member needs your help and advice.
June 9) Quiet day, contemplative. Mentally sharp, serious, less playful. Insight. Distracted. Need for patience. Spend the evening in a quiet environment but avoid being alone.
June 10) Money matters resolved. Ideas. Visionary. This is a good day to sign a contract or finalize a deal. Go out and spend some money. Romance may entice you to do something irresponsible.
June 11) Completion. Doubts about decisions taken earlier. Problems with someone close to you. Emotional stress. Be creative, active. Find distraction.
June 12) Decisions needed. Be aggressive. Leadership. Push your ideas, start new projects. Others look at you for direction. You meet someone new. Progress.
June 13) Enhanced sensitivity and intuition. Vivid dreams. Premonitions. You become involved in a dispute and play the role of mediator successfully. Love and romance highly favorable.
June 14) Optimistic, upbeat. Motivated. Excited, looking forward to the challenges of today. Communication is crucial. Lack of focus, scattered but creative.
June 15) Responsibility. Demanding. Opportunity. Be focused, work hard. Show others, they can depend on you, but don't make promises you can not fulfill. Don't procrastinate.
June 16) Change in work environment. Unexpected events may include travel. Restless. Social event may bring self-indulgence. Discipline is needed.
June 17) Family matters need to be rectified. Old friend brings good news. Loyalty. Younger person needs your help. Give of yourself.
June 18) Inward focused. Tendency to withdraw. Growth. Spiritual insights. Curiosity. You feel special, full of purpose. Trust your instincts. Bottled up feelings need to be dealt with.
June 19) Good day for business, particularly sales. Successful negotiations. Generosity. Flexibility. Changes. Somewhat insensitive in romance; missed opportunity if not careful.
June 20) Very creative. Disappointment due to disloyalty in friend or family member, later rectified. Miscommunication. Emotional upheaval. Good news in the evening. Love and romance strong.
June 21) Good for career. Enhanced personal power. Authority. New endeavor. Project involves spirituality and self-expression. Perhaps writing. You feel a closer connection to God and nature.
June 22) Awareness. Fine-tuned and sensitive. You read other people easily and clearly. Peacemaker. Tendency for self-righteousness. You may annoy a few people. Don't be arrogant.
June 23) Involvement in decorating, gardening, or home-repair. Avoid business dealings. Confusion in money matters; get receipts, estimates.
June 24) Hard work, perhaps overtime. Demanding. No room for procrastination. Keep track of details. You make a favorable impression at work. Opportunity. Your courage will be challenged.
June 25) Possible work-related travel. Successful. Good connections made. Money-saving ideas, but keep your thoughts to yourself. Concentrate on business.
June 26) Work around the house. Family matters. Serious conversations. Love and romance at work. Physically vulnerable, dress warm, eat well. Avoid alcohol.
June 27) Vivid dreams, restless morning. Distracted at work. Feeling a little awkward, out of place. Accident prone if too distracted. Avoid social events.
June 28) Financial reward, possibly unexpected. Good day for promotional activities or sales. Social gatherings may bring good new connections. Avoid involvement in legal affairs.
June 29) An urge to clean up your environment. Get rid of things. Good day for problem solving. Hidden progress. Someone is supportive behind the scenes.
June 30) Hectic. Adventurous. Need for quick action. Decisions. Leadership. Big opportunity. Your senses are very alert today; sounds, colors, texture strongly experienced.
June 10, 2005 (Card for today)
The Lovers
These three things are to be taken note of: the lowest love is sex - it is physical - and the highest refinement of love is compassion. Sex is below love, compassion is above love; love is exactly in the middle.
Very few people know what love is. Ninety-nine percent of people, unfortunately, think sexuality is love - it is not. Sexuality is very animal; it certainly has the potential of growing into love, but it is not actual love, only a potential....
If you become aware and alert, meditative, then sex can be transformed into love. And if your meditativeness becomes total, absolute, love can be transformed into compassion. Sex is the seed, love is the flower, compassion is the fragrance.
Buddha has defined compassion as love plus meditation. When your love is not just a desire for the other, when your love is not only a need, when your love is a sharing, when your love is not that of a beggar but an emperor, when your love is not asking for something in return but is ready only to give - to give for the sheer joy of giving - then add meditation to it and the pure fragrance is released. That is compassion; compassion is the highest phenomenon.
Card Meaning:
What we call love is really a whole spectrum of relating, reaching from the earth to the sky. At the most earthy level, love is sexual attraction. Many of us remain stuck there, because our conditioning has burdened our sexuality with all kinds of expectations and repressions. Actually the biggest "problem" with sexual love is that it never lasts. Only if we accept this fact can we then really celebrate it for what it is - welcome its happening, and say good-bye with gratitude when it's not.
Then, as we mature, we can begin to experience the love that exists beyond sexuality and honors the unique individuality of the other. We begin to understand that our partner often functions as a mirror, reflecting unseen aspects of our deeper self and supporting us to become whole.
This love is based in freedom, not expectation or need. Its wings take us higher and higher towards the universal love that experiences all as one.
June 8, 2005 (Card for today)
Harmony
Listen to your heart, move according to your heart, whatsoever the stake: A condition of complete simplicity costing not less than everything.... To be simple is arduous, because to be simple costs everything that you have. You have to lose all to be simple.That's why people have chosen to be complex and they have forgotten how to be simple. But only a simple heart throbs with God, hand in hand. Only a simple heart sings with God in deep harmony. To reach to that point you will have to find your heart, your own throb, your own beat.
Card Meaning:
The experience of resting in the heart in meditation is not something that can be grasped or forced. It comes naturally, as we grow more and more in tune with the rhythms of our own inner silences. The figure on this card reflects the sweetness and delicacy of this experience. The dolphins that emerge from the heart and make an arc towards the third eye reflect the playfulness and intelligence that comes when we are able to connect with the heart and move into the world from there. Let yourself be softer and more receptive now, because an inexpressible joy is waiting for you just around the corner. Nobody else can point it out to you, and when you find it you won't be able to find the words to express it to others. But it's there, deep within your heart, ripe and ready to be discovered.
June 7, 2005 (Part of Your World)
"What would I give to live where you are?
What would I pay to stay here beside you?
What would I do to see you smiling at me?
Where would we walk? Where would we run
If we could stay all day in the sun?
Just you and me, and I could be part of your world
I don't know when, I don't know how
But I know something is starting right now
Watch and you'll see, someday I'll
be part of your world" -- The Little Mermaid
June 5, 2005 (In the end)
"Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me (in the end)
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I ..."
June 3, 2005 (Dream)
I dreamt I was having an Elias session with Opan. Elias was encouraging us to continue playing with energy because he said it was very beneficial for us both. Next thing I remember I was in an unfamiliar house in bed next to J. That is when I felt a presence that really scared me. I think J was asleep, but I tried to curl up really close to him. As I laid there watching this "presence" dimming lights, and moving things around the room. I panicked, and went to wake J up to tell him I was scared, but "J" had turned into "O".
May 31, 2005 (Dream)
I dreamt that some guy showed up at my house wanting to discuss Elias concepts with me. I invited him in, and at first everything seemed ok, and he was telling me about his career and stuff, but then he started to make innuendos, which made me uncomfortable. He told me he thought that he and I could get together. I was trying to be nice to him and said, "I am sorry but I am not interested in you that way." Then I told him I was married. He said if I was married then why hadn't I mentioned that before. He said he did not believe me and proceeded to grab me trying to put his hands down my pants. It was hard fighting him off and I was yelling for J. I finally broke away and asked him to leave before J threw him out. He was insisting that I was making that up, and that I was really all alone in the house. I think I even exaggerated J's size to scare the guy, but he seemed unfazed. I was very uncomfortable and a bit nervous that he would come after me again. We kind of came to a standstill. I was on guard hoping I would not have to fight him off again, and he was standing there between me and the door leering at me. That is when I woke up. This reminds me of an incident I had with a guy friend of mine when I was 14.
