"La Belle Dame Sans Merci"


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March , 30 2005 (Dream, and Health Beliefs)

 
I dreamt I was visiting someone who had an apartment in Mary's (Elias) house. I did not see Mary, but Lynda was there, and so were a few other women. Two of them looked like twins except one had blond hair and the other had  reddish brown hair. They all lived on the top floors. Everyone was preparing for a session.
 
I was lying on the couch when one of the women (no one I know) told me she was attracted to me. We started to discuss her feelings, but then I needed to find something to wear to the session, so I told her I had to go, but I could not find my shoes. Then someone gave me the phone. It was "P". He told me that he wanted to talk to me about something. I told him that I thought he never wanted to speak to me again. He said there was something he wanted to tell me that had to do with "four days", then I woke up.
 
I woke up yesterday with a slightly swollen right wrist, and hand. It really hurts, and I can barely move it. Typing is hard, so I probably won't be doing much of it until my wrist heals. I think I slept on it in a weird position or something, but it got my attention.
 
I know I have recently started to explore my health beliefs in full force, and last night I was not happy about this, but I want to get it over with. :p Last night was particularly hard because every health issue I have ever had seemed to be coming to my attention. I also have had really bad short term memory problems for months now, and when I try to rememeber something my head hurts and I have to let it go. Usually it will come back to me if I can just relax.
 
Anyway I am probably going to break down and make a doctor's appointment in a few days, which is a major deal for me, since I do not like going to any doctors including holistic doctors. If I do though maybe I can identify where my beliefs really lie. Most of the time I feel like I am in an in between state with all this. I understand that everything is a belief, but I am not sure which beliefs I want to align with at the moment. *sigh* Health issues sure have a way of getting me to focus on myself, but I am not going to over analyze this right now. I AM going to be in the moment and listen to my body. :)
 
8:20 pm

March 28, 2005 (Weekly Horoscope)
 

Sagittarius Horoscope for 3/28 - 4/3

This week's scenario is highlighted by opportunities which arise for you to turn your creative imagination and knowledge into tangible achievements.

This would be a good time to draw, paint, write or design plans, as other people are inspired by your ideas and sensitivity.

You have distinct impressions which prove remarkably accurate.

Even if you feel a bit introspective or reclusive now, your instinct will direct you to bring form to your inherent talents.

You also have much to offer to people who are confined or hospitalized now in the form of guidance and compassion.

You speak very clearly, convincingly, and forcefully now, so that there is no mistaking what your views and opinions are.

You can argue a good case, make a very persuasive presentation, or successfully challenge someone whose ideas do not agree with your own.

Your mind is sharp and your responses quick.

This is a very good time to take a test or to do any kind of intellectual or mental work.

This horoscope provided by Astrology Source. Learn about your inner self, friends, and lovers.
 
Get your free blog ready horoscope for this week at Blogthings.
7:30 am

March 27, 2005 (New Elias Session)
 
New Elias session under "Elias audio" for Axel has been posted.  In it he talks about his love who disengaged (died) in the tsunami in Thailand.
 
 
4:05 am

March 24, 2005 (new session)
 
Dawn and Mark had a session with Kris today. He talks about earth's early history and the Anunnaki. I have posted it under Kris sessions.
12:36 am

March 24, 2005 (Terri Schiavo and a dream)
 
Terri Schiavo, who just happens to live less than an hour from me, seems to be the big topic in the US right now, so it is no surprise that she showed up in my dream last night.
 
I dreamt that Terri was living in an old dirty basement. There were broken and tattered toys lying all around, but in the middle of all this was a new large screen TV which was showing parts of different shows that I did not recognize. The basement was cold and damp and the door leading to the outside had no lock on it. I tried to close the door, but it kept opening to a yard that was overgrown with weeds, and it was very dark out there.
 
I went into the room to see if it were true that Terri was not aware of anything. I started pulling her arm and talking to her to see if she would respond. I kept calling her name, and she did nothing. There was someone else down there with me. I turned to them and said, "she is not aware," but then Terri raised up in her bed, and told me to get her out of there. She sounded like a man instead of a woman. It was all pretty surreal. She started telling me that being in that damp dirty place was like hell. I did not know what to do. Some people came to evaluate her, but they could not hear her or see her move.
 
I wanted to stay neutral, but she had asked me to get her out of there. I could not. Somehow I knew she was talking about freeing her from the confines of the reality she found herself in, and I did not know how to help her. I knew the people wanted to continue keeping her where she was. All I told her was that she would have to let it all go. This is all I remember of the dream.
 
Because of Terri's case I, like many other people, have created a living will. I would not want to live in that state and I have made it known to everyone close to me. I find it interesting how many people are fighting against taking Terri off the feeding tube. Not so long ago none of this would have been an issue since there were no feeding tubes, and Terri would have died a natural death not long after her accident.
 
To me this situation is not so black and white as others try to make it. First of all if you believe, like I do, that we create our reality then Terri is creating all of this and, whatever happens ultimately is what Terri is choosing. I only know that I would not want it for myself. It turns out than many of those who want it for Terri do not want it for themselves either, which I find very interesting.
 
I have often wondered if Terri is in some kind of limbo state or maybe a form of self created purgatory. According to her family she was a devout Catholic, and since they believe in that kind of stuff, perhaps she finds herself trapped, maybe punishing herself for whatever it is she thinks she did wrong. Of course this is all speculation on my part, but I was a born again Christian many years ago and I could imagine if I died (Terri did die and she was brought back) then I might of created a hell of sorts.
 
Well there is so much more I could say about all this, but this post is getting long and I just woke up. I do want to say one thing about the issue of her being starved to death though. A lot of people seem to believe that she is dying a painful slow death, but I personally do not believe this to be true for a few reasons. One being that her cerebral cortex is destroyed, and there is nothing left there but spinal fluid. The other is that she is on morphine, and from personal experience I can tell you that you could easily starve to death on morphine, and not feel a thing. My dad died in 2002, and the last two weeks of his life he refused all food and water. This greatly upset my mom and she tried to force him to take water until I finally asked her to please stop. She was torturing him by trying to force food and water on him when he was trying to let go of his life. I asked my dad every day, several times a day, if he felt pain and he always said, "NO". He was on a narcotic patch too which helped a lot. My dad was pretty aware and he was very comfortable, and finally died peacefully. He was 6' tall and went from 180 pounds down to about 120 in less than two months. I cannot stress enough that he felt NO pain. Someone from Hospice came to our house 6 days a week and they were very careful to make sure that he did not suffer.
 
I believe that this whole Terri Shiavo drama playing out nationally is bringing up issues that people need to look at within themselves, and when they are focusing on what is happening to Terri they may just be missing out on the bigger picture here, but that is just my opinion.
 
So, one last time...for the record, I would NOT want to be kept alive if I were in Terri's position, but I have no desire for Terri other than what she wants for herself, and I do believe she will get what she wants in the end.
6:16 pm

March 22, 2005 (Dream)
 
I dreamt that "P" was visiting me at my aunt's house. He was spending two weeks with me there. The two of us went down to the basement (I have dreamt about my aunt's basement a lot. I believe it often represents my childhood fears) where we were getting "intimate" but then he stopped and said he could not do it, so I told him it was ok, but then when I stopped he would start kissing me again and the same thing kept happening. We went back and forth like this for a while and then we stopped trying, and started to talk about things. I asked him if he never wanted to visit me again and he said that he was not going to come back. We were both very frustrated and my sister came in and she was frustrated too about something that had happened to her, which she started telling us about. The whole dream was basically very frustrating. Although the two of us were trying to get together physically in the dream I know that the dream was not about sex. It was about connection and true intimacy.
 
 
4:35 pm

March 19, 2005 (One of those days)
 
Yeah that about sums it up. I am having one of those days when nothing seems to be going right. It started off with some really stressful dreams. I barely slept all night and when I did I was very anxious. My dreams revolved around a conversation I was having with this person I used to talk to a lot. I was tossing, turning, and talking in my sleep until the doorbell rang. It was some Jehovah witnesses. I was not amused, and I did not answer the door. I tried to go back to sleep, but then I couldn't.
 
I knew that the plumber would be here soon, or so I thought, and I decided to just lie in bed until he got here. He never showed up. Grrrr, I called yesterday and he assured me he would be here today no later than 3:30 pm. Three hours later still no plumber and no phone call. By that time it was too late to get someone to come for the regular rate, so now I have to pay someone else double to come out and unclog a sink, which just happens to be clogged by some tree roots. How ironic... Could this represent the "root of the problem." :p I feel like the whole clogged sink is just imagery of me repressing my emotions right now, and the sink overflowing is imagery of what may happen if I do not relax soon. I have not felt this anxious in a long time.
 
Anyway, Dawn reminded me that it was "just a sink!" That really helped put things in perspective, and also made me laugh. The dishes will eventually get washed and the cabinet that is now soaked with water will be replaced and I won't have to entertain thoughts of throwing it all away anymore.
 
This too shall pass...right? :)
 
Horoscope for the day:
 
Oh, here we go. For the next three weeks, if anything can go wrong, it will. That's where your sense of humor and ability to see silver linings in every cloud will absolutely come in handy. Use them often.
 
 
Card for the day:
 
"The Singer of Transfiguration

Transformation. Transcendance. Metamorphasis.
 
Meaning: Jackpot! This card in a reading signifies the joy of success after a time of struggle. A new way of life has been accepted and is being integrated. A sense of inner peace is growing. The struggle has all been worth it. This is a time of consolidation and joy, and is both a reward for past achievements and a time of preparation for the next climb up the path."
 
I so hope this is true. :)
8:34 pm

March 18, 2005 (Dream)
 
I dreamt I was down in the basement of an old house dying my hair blue in a big sink with these round tablets that started to foam when they got wet.
 
4:47 pm

March 18, 2005
 
I was talking with my friend Tim, and telling him how I was going back and changing some of my diary entries when he said "no, don't" and I asked why and he said, "it's like you're going back in time amending your memories, like that guy in that movie that erased memories of his girlfriend." 
 
The movie he was talking about was "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" but the movie I thought he was talking about was "The Butterfly Effect". I really liked them both, and I think they both handled some very profound subjects. It just happens I watched another movie tonight called "What the Bleep Do We Know?" that also discussed reality creation and choice, and all 3 movies cover that on some level or another.
 
So anyway if it were only that easy to change the past or the future would you do it? If you could erase all your memories of someone would you? Would you give up everything you experienced with them in order to start over, to end your pain, etc... I believe we are changing the past and future in every moment, but I am talking about those undeniable changes that occurred in "The Butterfly Effect" where you would know exactly what you had changed, or in the "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" where you just would have no memory of them at all. In both movies they were given a fresh start.
 
I have had the experience of changing my past on more than one occasion, and for me they were "positive" changes. In the movie "The Butterfly Effect" each time he tried to make things better for him and the girl they ultimately got worse until he had no choice but to go back and make it so that they would go on totally separate paths. Maybe sometimes that is the "best" choice to make. I don't think I would intentionally want to erase anyone from my memories though, and in this life I hope to have no regrets for any of my experiences. Although now that I think about it my sister claims I had a boyfriend as a teenager that I absolutely can't remember. Even now I can't remember the name she told me the last time she mentioned him. Hmmm, I wonder. hahahah
 
Anyway, what is my point in writing this other than to make some movie recommendations? I have no clue but here they are:
 
Now go rent them!
 
2:21 am

March 17, 2005 (Dream)

I dreamt about a biker with long black hair with white streaks through it. He and I had some kind of relationship, but something happened, and we were splitting apart. He was being very cold to me, and I was upset because we had been close. We were at a party and he saw another guy trying to talk to me and he got mad, so he pushed me against a wall, and started touching me only to get my reaction and when I reacted he walked away. I felt empty.

Here Is Gone
by the Goo Goo Dolls

You and I got something
But it's all and then it's nothing to me - yeah
And I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions for me - yeah
And we wake up in the breakdown
Of the things we never thought we could be -
yeah

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
What do you got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be all you need
Somehow here is gone

I have no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me - yeah
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me - yeah

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
What do you got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be all you need
Somehow here is gone

And I don't need the fallout
Of all the past that's here between us
And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here

And I want to get free
talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be all you need
Somehow here is gone

And I want to get free
talk to me
I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone- yeah
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone- yeah

5:49 pm

March 15, 2005 (Dream)
 
I dreamt I was visiting my sister and I was chasing a large pet gecko lizard around trying to catch it before it got hurt. Donna was with me and she was telling me that I had to be careful with it because it would bite. I finally caught the lizard, and I was holding it by its tail. It kept biting at the air, so I waved a piece of cloth in front of its face. It grabbed it and was shaking it back and forth like a dog does when it is playing with a toy. I felt a lot of love for the lizard, and I did not want it to get hurt. My sister and her husband were there too.
 
I don't remember anything else really, but I thought I would post what I did because I recently found a dead lizard in my living room.
8:26 pm

March 14, 2005 (The Singer of Intuition)
 
I was really sick last night, so I went to bed early, and slept until 9:30 am this morning. I felt better for a while, but not completely. I went to sleep again around 3pm and had some really intense energy experiences, so I drew a card.
 
The Singer of Intuition

Perceptiveness. Oracular powers. Awareness. Trust
 
In a reading, the presence of the Singer of Intuition indicates that information is available to us if we will just listen to our own inner knowing. Perhaps we have already heard it, and still doubt our subtle senses. The Singer says this is the time to really listen to our intuition. What is the querent's own feeling, hunch, or intuition about this situation? It is desirable that the querent should seek solitude, meditate, and practice stillness and patience. This is a time for inward focus, a time to open the inner door to intuition (there are a lot of 'in's in this sentence because important answers are to be found within the querent himself). The presence of this Singer in card spread radiates special illumination and insight on the other cards around it.
10:22 pm

March 13, 2005 (Dream)
 
I dreamt that "P" and I were buried together in the same grave. It was attached to a mausoleum, (burial crypt) and we were able to move back and forth between the grave and the mausoleum, but we could move no further than that. We were waiting for something to happen so that our energy could be released from the grave. I remember he and I were talking about not being dead, but we were not in our bodies either. It seemed like we were in there a long time. We were like ghosts. 
 
Later in the dream we were in a hotel room together and we were holding each other. There were some children there, and we were going to buy them food. One child was psychic and she was going to do a reading on our energy.
 
I was not feeling well so I kept waking up during the dream and in the process I forgot a lot of it which is too bad because we talked about a lot of things that I wanted to remember, but they are gone. I am sure they were assimilated by me subjectively though.
3:22 pm

March 13, 2005 (Feeling icky)
 
I am not sure what is wrong with me but for the past few days I have been feeling really sick to my stomach when I eat, and I have not been sleeping well. Not only that but my head is spinning and I feel really awful. It seems to be worse when I eat any kind of meat like chicken or turkey. This happened to me before but this time it just feels so much worse.
 
Maybe it is an energy thing. Something in the alignment of the planets or something. :p Whatever it is I am ready for it to be over. I cannot take much more of this. Right now I can't even drink water without feeling sick to my stomach. Hope it passes soon. Please lend energy. :)
4:26 am

March 12, 2005 (Group Chat)
 
Saturday Group chats are back!
Starting around 10:30 pm Eastern/New York City time and lasting until... We will be discussing Elias/Seth/Kris concepts, but it will be relaxed and other topics are welcome.
 
You will need to use Yahoo Messenger for this. If you don't have it installed, it only takes a few minutes. You can download it from http://messenger.yahoo.com/

You can email me for more details on how to join the chats once you have messenger.
 
Hope to see you there. :)
8:10 pm

March 10, 2005 (Dream)

 

All I have are a few fragments of last nights dream. I remember I was feeding some cats, and I saw a stray long haired, white, cat with some black spots in the yard, (this was not my yard) so I put some food on a plate for it, but when I went to give the food to the cat it was on the other side of a field. As I started walking toward it the farther away it seemed to get, until I was halfway across the field. That is when I noticed what looked to be like white animal skins all around me. The tops were clean but underneath there was some blood.

 

I then noticed that there were some strange looking creatures* where the cat was. They looked like a mix between pigs and anteaters. They were furless and had white skin, similar to a white rhino. I looked around at all the animal skins around me, and then I got nervous, and I wanted to get back to the house, so I started running thinking that the pigs were chasing me. I think I woke up before anything else could happen.

 

I do remember a little more about what happened earlier in the dream like, I was in a school cafeteria wearing a "Boston University" sweatshirt that was too big for me, but it is so fragmented I am not even going to write it down unless more comes back to me.

 

*This is not the first time I dreamt of these pig-like creatures. I dreamt about them about 3 years ago too, but that time their skin was gray instead of white.
4:19 pm

March 9, 2005 (Horoscope)
 
 
Sagittarius
November 22-December 21
 
It may be tough to find the line between your own emotions and what others are feeling right now. In fact, it's going to take some work on your part. But be sure you do whatever it takes to strike that balance.
2:55 am

March 8, 2005 (Luathas the Wild and a dream)
 
I dreamt I was swimming in a large public pool of people. They were male and female and of all races, shapes, and ages.. I started at one end of the pool and started swimming underwater. The pool was so large it took several minutes to swim from one end to the other. I was swimming like this for a long time never realizing that I needed to breath. It was very cool to say the least. I had no restrictions on how long I could stay under the water, and the idea of breathing just wasn't an issue. I woke up soon after.
 
Oh and I found a dead lizard (the second one I found in a short period of time) in my living room yesterday.
 
Within shamanism beliefs lizards represent:
  • Detachment from ego

  • Power to regenerate that which is lost

  • Facing fear

  • Controlling dreams

  • Moving in the otherworld

  • I will have to think about what a dead lizard means to me.

    Sometimes I draw tarot or oracle cards to see what energy is influencing a situation. Today I drew "Luathas the Wild" in the upright position. I think it could be connected to the dead lizard.
     
    Luathas the Wild (card 57)
     
    Haste, Impulsiveness, Fire, Spontaneity, Balance
     
    Luathas the Wild is filled with fire, and fire is associated with the creative life force. This faery fires us up, gets us going, recharges our batteries and creative energies. He likes to be around when things are exciting, when there is life force blazing high and he can jump in and encourage it to burn even higher. Creation and passion are his bailiwick. "Faster! Faster! Faster!" is his motto. Debbie, a waitress serving me breakfast, looked over my shoulder as she rushed past and paused on her toes as she saw Luathas. "Ohhh!", she exclaimed, balancing three full plates and two coffee pots, "He looks like a bad faery. I don't want him in my life!" Then she took off at a near run for the people down the aisle, who were gesturing for coffee.
     We have to be careful with Luathas. He doesn't know the meaning of words like: slow, stop, rest, respite, catnap, moderation, gradual, pace, gentle, ease, peace. These are all things that humans must know in order to live creatively and constructively with him. Anything else is fatal, sooner or later--probably sooner at that.
     The fire of Luathas can be destructive as well as creative. Rage, fury, and anger are all part of the fire element as well. Fire burns as well as energizes. Think of the gentle warmth of a full and sleeping kitten, its inner fire converting milk to bone and muscle and to extravagant friskiness; or the flame of the candle, lighting the wanderer's way home; or the anger of a hurt soul, lashing out at others; or the inferno of a forest fire, wild and overpowering. 
    Creation and destruction are inextricably linked. The fire that burns creates ash, which in turn acts as fertilizer for new growth. The slopes of volcanoes are highly fertile, which is why people take the risk of living on and farming them. 
    Think of the Phoenix, who lays her egg, and then bursts into flame to incubate it. Birth, death, and rebirth are the cycle of fire.
     
    Card upright:
    In a reading this card says that wild creative energies are being brought to whatever it represents in the card reading. It often fires up the things that surround it, energizing them as well. It tells us that it is important to think and act creatively, and it says that the energy to do so is available. New approaches are called for here. Old ideas and old behaviors will not do it. Sometimes it may be useful to draw another card (or do an additional layout)[which we can do later :)] to get some suggestions about what those new ideas might be. Alternatively, Luathas may be telling you to go for something--now! For example, Kathy, another of our Faery Oracle discussion group, was at a convention and a man was demonstrating electronic devices. She was not particularly interested in them, but they talked about the different meters and tools for a while. She started to walk away and then she thought, 'No, I've got to do this.' She went back and told him, 'I don't think I'll ever forgive myself if I don't tell you, I think I'm in love with you.' They've been happily married for many years now. Sometimes it is important to take the risk of making a fool of yourself to gain something amazing and wonderful and miraculous. Sometimes, when Luathas says, 'Go for it! Now!' it is important to do so. And sometimes it isn't. If the only reason for caution is that you're afraid of looking silly, it probably is time to go for it. Remember, then, that you need to keep an eye on Luathas--don't let him have control of your schedule or the accelerator in your car. He always thinks going faster and taking chances is better, and sometimes he is even right. Use sense and stay grounded, even while he takes you off on a flight of fancy.
    3:44 pm

    March 7, 2005 (Resistance is Futile: You Will be Loved)
     
    Excerpt from Kris session on February 21, 2005:
     
    KRIS: Indeed the caption "Resistance is Futile: You Will be Loved" could easily fit. And this is important because this is the prime misunderstanding in your society that somehow or other love is not to be trusted and therefore must be feared to one degree or another. And even those individuals who make it their mission in life to run through the country claiming to love everything and everyone but not themselves have misunderstood.

    As we suggested, love is not something that you acquire like so much merchandise off the supermarket shelves. It is not something you bargain for. It is something that is innate to human nature. And we know that this statement may be considered outrageous because of the deeply ingrained social conditions that man's true innate nature is to kill, destroy, maim, rape, pillage. But that is the lie and the result of fear of love and loving and being loved, in other words the fear of being assimilated by your own nature.

    Thus it is important to actually get an understanding of the innate goodness and love that resides within the human heart. And indeed when you see phenomenon like the factory workers or the chicken farms or any other mistreatment of animals or infants or human beings, partners abusing each other, nations assaulting each other, family members killing each other, one country waging war and wholesale slaughter against your neighbor, you look at these things and you nod your head in agreement, 'yes, here is a clear and irrefutable evidence that Man, Humankind, is nothing but cruelty in its collective heart.'

    And then there is further agreement that some divine forces should come and clean up the family tree and trim it of all homosapiens. And such thoughts and perceptions are taken as fact because there is apparent evidence. And many if not most people rarely take the time to investigate why these things are happening. Is it merely beliefs in duplicity? Or is it beliefs in good and evil? Or is it political rambling and gain by greed?

    All of these appear to be factors indeed, but the greatest misunderstanding, indeed the greatest sin of all is that you have been given a lie, and that lie is that the human heart is filled with shame and iniquity and is therefore flawed. And of course then out of this quagmire the human individual can do nothing else but destroy the Earth and each other.

    And yet there is indeed a solution, a SIMPLE solution to such lies that those in positions of knowing swallow their damn pride and reveal the truth that the human heart, the human individual is born into the world already filled with loving capacities that merely need to be nurtured as opposed to the deceitful belief that the human individual comes into the world tainted, soiled, and must be restrained to keep the evil within his or her heart locked up lest it destroy the world.

    And everywhere you look you can see the evidence reflected back to you according to what you accept to believe about your human nature, and that is the key. You do not see war, destruction, wholesale slaughter because it is man's innate nature. You see it because this is what you believe.

    Now, accept to RELEASE such beliefs and replace them with the conviction that your fragile human nature knows only of a boundless, fearless and heroic loving state of grace and love and IMAGINE what you will then see reflected as evidence of your convictions.

    Now it is one thing to imagine this and it is one thing to hear this from our inimitable, controversial lips, but to understand the delicious implications can indeed turn your world around. And one of the second most lies attributed to the nature of human individuals is that your very creature hood, your very sexual nature must also be controlled because it is dangerous and it cannot not lead you to redeem your tainted or soiled selves or souls and must therefore be diametrically opposed to your spiritual quest for salvation, which is another bad bill of goods being pushed your way. They are all interwoven.

    And this the greatest disservice to your race is the lie disguised as spiritual truth that your loving nature and your sexual nature are incompatible. They are instead quite compatible and a loving expression of each other. And though there are certain philosophies that teach that the way to redeem yourselves is to literally stamp out your desiring nature and your sexual nature. Though there are such philosophies, we do not know if you have ever heard of them, but there are.

    Such philosophies eventually end up causing far more psychological damage to the adept or disciple because you are attempting, such philosophies are attempting to convince you that your own innate nature is filled with dangers, is filled with evils, and may very well lead you to damnation. It literally creates a form of psychic schizophrenia.

    Before such philosophies were enforced and before your ancestors were enjoined, often by force to subscribe to such convictions, there were perceptions, there were philosophical schools and systems from very ancient age and times where humankind was not ashamed of its creature hood, of its sexuality, nor of its spirituality, and there was no need to separate the two.

    Now it is often assumed that if that were the case then obviously people must have been fornicating at every street corner. How could legitimate business be carried on with everyone fornicating everywhere? (Laughter) But that only shows a disparaging paradigm in the thinker's own belief structures and nothing more. Nothing could be further from the truth.

    Once a society understands the proper principles of action by a loving sexual spirituality or a loving spiritual sexuality, then you have a society that is no longer in need to create schizophrenic paradigms at the collective level. You do not need Victorianism or any other related attitudes such as you often have in many governments around the world where it is permissible to kill, maim, steal, rob, but do not dare have a sexual indiscretion of any kind because that is unacceptable because it is acceptable to everything else.

    So when you have a society that seeks to instill a stronger moral code, then you know that society is in deeper trouble than assumed, when factions of such societies insist that moral standings must prevail. In other words, the appearances must be uppermost and the animal nature of your being must be suppressed, then you are in deep trouble. When the so called religious rights of any sect and cult, whether it is a backyard cult or a global cult, whether it is disguised in the form of Christianity, Judaism or any other cult, Muslim, Jaïn or anything else, then you have distortions about your human nature that seek to be prevalent, and your true nature is to be buried.

    You do not have to search far and wide for the reasons why your societies can be in the mess that they are and this is part of the truth wave in the shift of consciousness, the collective realization that there is not a damned thing wrong with your souls or spirits, there is something wrong with those who try to sell you that lie. And ultimately they can only sell you what you want to be sold. So this created a loop, does it not?

    But the more that you awaken to the love and the light and the sexual expressions within your being, the more aware, awake and realized you become. That is the meaning of enlightenment. It has nothing to do with sitting on the top of a mountain contemplating the lint in your naval. (Laughter) That is not enlightenment. Those who may claim that they are enlightened because they have eschewed [shunned] their human nature have not embraced their human nature. They cannot embrace your human nature and do not know the wherewithal of what they speaketh.

    When love becomes the primal force, and we are not talking of the love that again certain cults and sects would like to promote such as the apparent love of a deity that allowed its own child to be murdered as warranted in any respect, we are speaking about an actual love that can only come from an understanding of your own human nature, loving that human nature and being able to see that same loving nature within another because the other again is you.

    How can anyone stand at the pulpit and claim to LOVE ALL except them [pointing in different directions] and except them and not them? That is another distortion. You cannot claim in the same breath to love the Divine or all that is divine and hate physical expressions of the Divine. Does that not make sense?
     
    (Yes)

    And how can you love others, seeing them through the eyes of the Divine? By accepting that your own nature through and through with all if the apparent flaws and even the wrinkles beside the eyes, the beautiful and loving expression of All That Is and out of the core of your being there can be an outpouring of this acceptance, accepting your own creature hood, your own sexual and spiritual nature in order to be able to accept it in the other. If you cannot accept it within you, how can you possibly accept it in the other and demand that the other accept it in you?

    And once there is an acceptance and recognition and an awakening and an enlightenment upon such a sweaty topic, then you change, your neighborhood changes, your community changes, your culture changes. Until eventually your whole world itself is transformed. This kind of recognition and acceptance can actually take the war out of humankind. And there were many ancient practices where this was done to purge the individual, the soldier, the warrior.

    In such a society matriarchal systems were very much in place and understood for the values it brought. There was an understanding that the male cannot rule without the healing of the female. Once that aspect of the human psyche was restrained and collectively stripped of its healing and nurturing abilities and relegated to the kitchen and the baby factories then Mankind lost its perspective and became overly laden with testosterone.

    There is now resurgence and a return to such views. And gradually you will keep seeing changes at that level, but this will take time. It is said that by the third quarter of this century many things will be accomplished by the return of the Christ entity, and indeed this entity, she has many things to do. (Laughter)

    Now though there is no specific gender characterization at essence level, and though many people still assume the return of the Christ and the Christ entity itself unquestionably must be male, we might suggest you think again. The entity is nurturing and in your terms has definite feminine characteristics because there is indeed a great need for balance and harmony at that level.

    And that is why it is important for everyone that hears this and everyone that will read this for years to come, it is important that you recognize that it is only by healing your human nature as we have described in this rather heady discussion, and that as the years and decades go by you may indeed see a return to ancient practices that incorporate long forgotten traditions of spiritual and sexual practices. And these traditions have never died but have been submerged deep within the human psyche. But they are resurfacing when there is the time and the need.

    So do not think that somehow or other you cannot be spiritual and sexual at the same time. When properly perceived, your sexual or spiritual moods can indeed be experienced as two facets of the very same coin. Your perspective makes the difference. You can continue to see that anything about your sexuality somehow or other goes against spirituality, but that is your perception. It is not a fact. Or you can see that indeed the loving flow one to the other and that quite like the greatest spiritual expression you can engage in is when you are at your most sexual and vice versa. So it is a matter of perception and perspective and what you enjoin yourself to perceive at that moment. continue...
    3:13 pm

    March 5, 2005 (Dream)
     
    I dreamt of two men that were brothers. My sister and a couple of other people were there too. We were all taking a trip by car. The younger brother got angry with me, and was throwing a tantrum in the backseat. I was very upset with him and I wanted him to leave. His older brother asked me to sit up front with him so his brother would leave me alone. He told me that the next stop we made he would ask his brother to get out of the car, and find another way home. The older brother was being very nice to me and I thought he was trying to be helpful, so I got in the front seat next to him. We made a stop at a campground, and that is when the older brother changed and he tried to force me to have sex with him. I was very annoyed that he changed on me and  I pushed him away. Then he started behaving like the younger brother.. The older brother got out of the car and he was naked. I wanted to take my sister and find another way home. I think I woke up soon after.
    12:37 am

    March, 5, 2005 (Happy Birthday Nikki!)
     
    Today is my sisters birthday. I hope all her wishes comes true.
     
    I love you Nikki!
     
    My Sister

    My sister is my heart.
    She opens doors to rooms
    I never knew were there,
    Breaks through walls
    I don't recall building.
    She lights my darkest corners
    With the sparkle in her eyes.

    My sister is my soul.
    She inspires my wearied spirit
    To fly on wings of angels
    But while I hold her hand
    My feet never leave the ground.
    She stills my deepest fears
    With the wisdom of her song.

    My sister is my past.
    She writes my history
    In her eyes I recognize myself,
    Memories only we can share.
    She remembers, she forgives
    She accepts me as I am
    With tender understanding.

    My sister is my future.
    She lives within my dreams
    She sees my undiscovered secrets,
    Believes in me as I stumble
    She walks in step beside me,
    Her love lighting my way.

    My sister is my strength
    She hears the whispered prayers
    That I cannot speak
    She helps me find my smile,
    Freely giving hers away
    She catches my tears
    In her gentle hands.

    My sister is like no one else
    She's my most treasured friend
    Filling up the empty spaces
    Healing broken places
    She is my rock, my inspiration.
    Though impossible to define,
    In a word, she is...my sister. 
    -- Lisa Lorden
     
     
    4:23 pm

    March 2, 2005 (Liturgy for Lilith)


    Liturgy for Lilith

    I am Lilith, Grandmother of Mary Magdalene

    I am Lilith, whose sexual fire was too hot for God.

    I am Lilith, the First Woman, who chose the rage of exile over the cancer Of servitude.

    I am Lilith, Mother to the Mother-less.

    I am Lilith, whose blood covers the moon.

    I am Lilith, standing on owl’s claws at a woman’s crossroads.

    I am Lilith, the Whore in the gateway of the Temple.

    I am Lilith, whose serpentine tongue caused Eve to laugh, and pick the apple!

    I am Lilith, Revolving Sword of Flame – scorching hypocrisy from truth’s white bones.

    I am Lilith, free-moving in the Wilderness.

    I am Lilith, spirit of night and air.

    I am Lilith, in whose dark caves transgressors find sanctuary.

    I am Salome.

    I am Morgan le Faye.

    I am the Queen of Shayba –

    My hair is black, and I am ‘dark but comely’,

    (Solomon sang my song!).

    My hair is red and my skin, ivory.

    I am Eve’s big sister.

    I am Lilith, Mother to the motherless.

    I am Lilith, whose sexual fire was too hot for God.

    I am Lilith, living in the Shadow.

    Waiting. For you.

    -- Fabian

    5:28 pm

    March 1, 2005 (Losing My Sight, Losing My Mind, Wish Somebody Would Tell me I'm Fine...)
     
    I realized tonight that I really don't do much with this diary, and it is pretty boring :) I am usually not completely open when it comes to my feelings here. I even censor some of my dreams, and others I won't even post to it because I feel they are just too out there.
     
    Maybe today I will just give a little peek into what is going on with me the past couple of days. This is not very easy for me to do right now. A lot has happened with my family this past year. My partners father just died and my brother in-law has been diagnosed with brain and lung cancer. He and my sister are skipping the chemo and going for a holistic therapy. I think they made the right choice.
    My mother had a bad fall a few days ago and now half her face is black, and swollen. I felt great empathy for her. Her fall physically is symbolic of my state of mind at the moment.
     
    Today I feel lost, and very much alone. Like I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown or something. I have been very discounting of myself and my actions this past week. Second guessing everything I have done. Feeling less than worthy... you know all that kind of stuff. I would like to blame it on a strong empathic connection with others, but would that be honest? Probably not completely, although it could be some of the problem. I see a lot of people are going through their own stuff right now. Mostly truth wave stuff.
     
    I am considering taking an internet break. At least at this very moment I am. Thankfully I am not as impulsive as I once was. I used to run away and hide whenever I could not maintain an outer appearance of having everything all together. With the help of some friends I do not run anymore, but I still take breaks, or I move my attention elsewhere. Sometimes long breaks and sometimes only for a few minutes. 
     
    Anyway I am having a pity party and would like to enjoy it, so everyone please pretend like you never read this. :) As most of you know I am usually pretty optimistic, but I seem to be having a bad day! I am so very tired...
    8:02 pm

    March 1, 2005 (Stop Crying Your Heart Out)

    Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis
    From the movie "The Butterfly Effect"

    Hold up
    Hold on
    Don't be scared
    You'll never change what's been and gone

    May your smile (may your smile)
    Shine on (shine on)
    Don't be scared (don't be scared)
    Your destiny may keep you warm

    'Cos all of the stars are fading away
    Just try not to worry
    You'll see them someday
    Take what you need and be on your way
    And stop crying your heart out

    Get up (get up)
    Come on (come on)
    Why're you scared (I'm not scared)
    You'll never change what's been and gone

    'Cos all of the stars are fading away
    Just try not to worry
    You'll see them someday
    Take what you need and be on your way
    And stop crying your heart out

    (Ahh ahh ahh)
    (Ahh ahh)

    'Cos all of the stars are fading away
    Just try not to worry
    You'll see them someday
    Take what you need and be on your way
    And stop crying your heart out

    We're all of us stars
    We're fading away
    Just try not to worry
    You'll see us someday
    Just take what you need and be on your way
    And stop crying your heart out
    Stop crying your heart out
    Stop crying your heart out

    7:19 pm

    La Belle Dame with Knight


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